I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
