i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
