We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
