dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
