Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
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