I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
