Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The uberlube is also flammable
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
