and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Randomize