apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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