pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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