Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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