i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
