She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
