I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
