I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
