I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
