This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize
