You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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