He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
