I feel great
I just peed on a car
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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