I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
