As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
