let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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