I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm like, not good at living.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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