Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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