So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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