why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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