Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
