If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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