My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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