i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I forget how to act sober
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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