I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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