I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
