This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
