Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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