If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
