that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize