you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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