It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
