This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
