The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
