Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
