WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
