she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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