Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
