I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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