nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm passing your future prison.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
