My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well I just put wine in my tea
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
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