i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Randomize
