She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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