I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
