My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
