i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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