i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
