if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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