I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
