maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
