You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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