Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
