If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
