i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
