When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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