Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
