I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
