Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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