I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
